At long last .... the moment you've been waiting for.
I'm back!!!
Warning: This post contains both an utterly hilarious
section and a very mathematical and disturbing section that will intrigue some,
bore others, and probably inspire the military to start a full-fledged man-hunt
for me. I hope you didn't get your hopes up.
Humans. In the past
few thousand years, we have grown to be intelligent and created dozens of
governmental systems and communities. But are we really the dominant species,
or have other animals been holding back, waiting to strike? I’ve seen the
signs, and let me tell you, it’s not bears or sharks or dinosaurs back from the
dead. It’s something much more sinister….. The geese! They seem calm and
peaceful, but have you seen the way they eye your children?!!! The way they
stare into your soul with their beady black eyes? They are evil, I tell you.
There is a coming apocalypse and no one knows about it! The kind gentlemen from
the government said we’d go to a pleasant little house over in Arkham, but I
said “No! I have to warn them.” You people have no idea what the geese can do.
The attacks have already started. Accounts of the winged devils abusing
pedestrians in parking lots and outside of homes litter the internet. It’s only
so long until they start dive-bombing our heads with a whopping 1-2 pounds
of excrement per day(they already do it to our cars!).
| I found this on the internet. I AM NOT CRAZY! |
And my sources
tell me that the Branta canadensis maxima (If you click on the link, you will see that we
already have to take precautions to prevent them from gaining control, but IT’S
NOT HELPING!) has teamed up with everybody’s favorite fluffy, but evil,
pet: the bunny. That’s right. I predict that in an upcoming attack, the geese
will prevent you from leaving your house, while the bunnies gnaw on you limbs!!
Little Mr. Fluffly isn’t so cute anymore is he?
Let me share with you my plan for destroying
society (This is the non-funny part). In other posts, I have briefly described
collapses in social decency when natural disasters happen, but these things are
rare. To really affect our society, I need a solid, workable plan. I wonder if
CERN would let me borrow their particle collider
for a little while. The scientists over in Switzerland have not been using the
collider to its greatest potential. I think I can fix that. Now, I am sure
there are some of you who are getting a little worried, but don’t worry, I will
use the collider strictly for the sake of science. So far, the Hadron has only
been used to run particles into each other, but what if they ran into something
else, say …… a person.
| You see that big circle? That is the collider. You don't stand a chance. |
In 1978, a Russian scientist
stuck his head in a collider and was hit by a speeding particle (Who says the
Russians are smarter than us?). He messed up his face and now he gets fatigued
when he thinks. This “accident” (conspiracy!) occurred when the proton was only
moving at 70 GeV. The Hadron Collider spins particles at a whopping 7 TeV (For
you non math-loving people, that’s 100 X the force). It is predicted that this
could tear a whole in your body, completely cauterizing your veins. However,
this prediction is unconfirmed. This must be remedied! What would happen if we
weaponized the collider? It’d be easy. Here’s the plan: step 1) An email is
sent to the Swiss scientists telling them that Schrödinger’s cat has been found
wandering the hallways. This ensures that no one will be watching the collider;
2) A few hundred helicopters that I “borrow” from the military grab onto the
collider and carry it away from CERN and over the Swiss countryside; 3) Under
my excellent command, the collider flies over cities and spits out particles at
pedestrians (and geese. Who’s dive-bombing now?). The world would live in fear.
I could never be stopped because anybody sent to stop me would find themselves
with a large hole in their chest. Armored vehicles would be no use as the
particles would move through them as easily as they move through flesh. With
this technology, I could rule the world. No one could oppose me. Mr. Woody
would never make fun of me again!
