Cats

I know you have all been anxiously awaiting this post. Enjoy!
And..here...we...go!

 
Whose idea was it to keep cats as house pets? I don’t see why any sane person would want to try to house train a cat. All cats used to be wild and ferocious. They had sharp claws and vicious teeth. What insane kind of person would think “Hey, I’m going to let one of these things into my house. I am going to hand feed it and take care of it. I might even pet it.” BAD IDEA. Are you nuts!? Is your Neanderthalic brain to small and stupid to see that this is wrong? People in the old days had no common sense. I mean think about it. Here’s this guy. He walks into town with dozens of scratches all over his body and tells people about his great idea for a new pet. What are the people thinking at this point? “That’s genius! I want to get myself one of those! It doesn’t matter that I might die in the process, I NEED A CAT!” It is a miracle that our ancestors survived and we are still alive today. It would seem that even though our stupid-genes are trying to kill us, we continue to survive. TAKE THAT, GENES! Now don't get all mad, cat people. I understand you think your "innocent" little felines are so cute and cuddly, but let's look at this situation from a managerial standpoint. The pros of cats are: there are none (Geez, cat people. No need to get all hissy [haha!]. You know it's true). The cons of cats are: they sleep 18 hours per day, they make you spend all of your money on cat food, they make you spend all of your money on cat litter, they tear up your expensive furniture that you spent a lot of money on, and they throw their guts up all over your floor EVERY SINGLE DAY! Then you have to pay to get your carpets cleaned. Can't you see? The cats are trying to rob you! They may seem unbelievably cute, but don't be fooled, they are actually the IRS in disguise [haha!]. Haven't you ever seen the movie Cats and Dogs? It is not just a movie, it's live footage! So, the next time you suddenly feel the urge to buy a money-stealing, lazy, barfing monster: buy a cat. Otherwise, save yourself the trouble and buy a goldfish.

I would like all of you to know that Mr. Woody is indeed a real person. He has been forced into distant lands to spend eight hours a day in prison. Policies are strict there, and he has no room for mistakes. However, Mr. Woody has risked writing in the comments box to show his unbroken friendship with myself and the others that he used to laugh with here in his homeland. Mr. Woody commented on my blog and therefore sacrificed his social status to show that he was still surviving in his depressing location. Do not insult his bravery by using his name in your comments. If you do this, you will be the subject of my next post, and let me tell you, you do not want that. We wish you luck, Mr. Woody, but we know that it will not be long until the prison has turned you into a football loving robot with a head covered in a plastic dairy product.

From now on, if you can survive enough of my blog to get to the bottom of the page, I will be posting a "Quote of the day". If you post in the comments the name of the movie that the quote comes from, the actor that said it, and describe the scene that it is spoken in, I will compliment you in the next post.

"You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!"

My Friends

I have been asked by one of my more frequent readers, Mr. Woody, to make a list of all the stupid things that my friends do. If you are shocked or scared by these idiotic acts, I apologize. I hate to break it to you, but this is the world we live in. When you get a job, you will see that most people are like my weird friends, especially pointed hair managers.

• Today, my friend asked me what the date was. It told him it was October 32nd. He believed me. He even wrote it on his paper.
•  One of my friends recently had a small Starbucks coffee. One sip and he was bouncing off the walls. He talked so fast that nobody could understand him. Sweat poured from his body. He also jittered. And I don't mean a constant tapping of the foot. When this guy drinks coffee, he turns into an earthquake. His teeth chatter and his body seemed to be having a super seizure. Keep in mind, this was just a small coffee. Can you imagine what would happen if he had an extra large with three shots? He would probably explode. No, he would vaporize and send off a wave of caffeinated energy that would equal the force of two hundred nuclear bombs. It is hard to believe that someone could get high on coffee, but my friend is living proof. This is just one reason why the drug caffeine is bad. Nothing good ever comes out of drinking a lot of caffeine. You drink a Redbull, you crash later; you drink a dozen sugary sodas, you have a heart attack; you drink a Monster, and you go Radioactive. I'm telling you, the energy drink industry will kill us all. In a few years, people won't disappear into dark alleys to buy illegal drugs, they'll be purchasing Coca Cola.
•  Several of my friends have played in the orchestra this year. I don't think they've ever done anything this stupid...
• Two people I know joined debate and slam poetry. I do not approve of these two clubs, but I must admit they did make a very wordy and persuasive argument. :)
• In my band class, we made shirts that said the name of our instrument on the back. One of the drummers mistakenly wrote Drumeline. It's French. It's pronounced Drum - eh - line. 
• Many of you may be wondering why I am talking about school when my profile says I am 52. I am the oldest student EVER!!! 
• 01001001011001100010000001111001011011110111010100100000011000110110000101101110001000000111001001100101011000010110010000100000011101000110100001101001011100110010110000100000011110010110111101110101001000000110000101110010011001010010000001100001001000000110111001100101011100100110010000101110
• Mis amigos son tan tontos como unos burros, y estoy muy confundido porque yo no veo como ellos viven. Si tu sabes lo que yo estoy hablando, tu estas muy fabuloso. Nosotros personas de Espanol son el mejor.
• Sorry about the last two points, my friend put them on. So stupid....
• I hate to tell you this, but you just wasted a minute of your life reading this pointless blog. Think about, what have you gained? NOTHING! That's what! I have completely controlled your life for the last 60 seconds. I am invincible!

 I would like to conclude by saying that those of you who know me should not under any circumstances mention my name in relation to this blog ever. Not on Facebook, not in the comments, not in a tweet. Never!

I wish to apologize to Coca Cola. My friends all love your products and I did not wish to discourage anyone from purchasing your amazing beverages. This was just a bad attempt at being funny. I would also like to give credit to Starbucks. Without them, my entire school would probably die of lethargy.

Two things

1.) What mean reader voted that they didn't like my blog?
2.) If you eat a gallon of ice cream every night, there won't be a shortage of bacon next year.

The Rules

Joe Shmoe’s Random Rules to Live By

Rule #9

1. Don’t forget your towel.
2. Never go back for your bag. Never.
3. Follow the white rabbit.
4. If someone asks you if you’re a god, you say “YES!”
5. Never double dip the chip.
6. Never forget to log off of a public computer. I HATE THAT! Here I am trying to do real work and I have to spend five minutes logging off of this idiot’s account and then logging into mine. And if the bandwidth is full, it takes even longer. Are people so absent minded that they can’t log off when they’re done!? That is what’s wrong with our school systems; they make us forget what is actually important. We fill up our minds with pointless knowledge that we will never use and forget to do simple tasks like logging off. Geez, people.
7. Never eat ½ of a blueberry bagel in a cubicle in the afternoon in August in Albuquerque.
8. Don’t under any circumstances do what rule 7 tells you not to do. Just don’t.
9. Don’t jump off of Mount Everest.
10. Never dislike this blog for it is the most awesome thing every created.
11. Never trade Boardwalk and Short Line for Oriental and Marvin.
12. Always start with E4.
13. The pawns always go first.
14. Never question the randomness of this blog.

Many items are taken from popular culture including The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The Matrix, X-Men, Seinfeld, and Ghostbusters. These happen to be some of my favorite books and movies. My favorite scene in The Matrix where that one guy is like “Freeze” and the other one is like “No, I’m awesome. You can’t kill me. You can point as many guns as you want at me. I will survive” And the other one is like “I’m just gonna stay out of the way and shoot some people.” And the SWAT people are like “I can’t hit the broad side of a barn”. If you what I’m talking about, please post in the comments. I like reading your comments. It shows me that someone actually reads this random and somewhat stupid blog that I created for absolutely no reason other than to see how many viewers I could get. However, if you know me, please refer to me as Joe. I don't want to have my identity stolen and then have to shut down this blog. Then, we would be in a scenario like in the last post. I don't want that to happen. My name is Joe. Got it? JOE! Not Jim, not John, but JOE! Don't forget it.

Who am I?

By now, many of you are probably wondering who I am. You refuse to accept that my name is Joe Shmoe. C’mon, why can’t you accept me for who I am! I’m kidding. My name is not Joe Shmoe. It would be cool if it was though. I mean picture a scenario in which I put a tack on the teacher’s chair:

Go Mythbusters!

Teacher: “Who put this tack here?”

Tattletale Student (TTS): “It was Joe Shmoe”

Teacher: “Riiiiiight. Is that your imaginary friend? You’re getting detention.”

TTS: “But it wasn’t me!”

Teacher: “Next time, think up a better name than Joe Shmoe.”

Me: “Yes! I am invincible!”

[This shows two things. 1.) Tattletaling usually backfires and 2.) I like James Bond.]

Wouldn’t that be so cool? I could get away with anything. I could commit any crime and never be caught. I could change my license plate to 11ll1l1l. I could be a Supervillain! Bwahahahaha! I’m sorry, I got distracted. Back to the subject of whom I really am. I will not tell you my real name because I am, in every way possible, better than you. Anything that you can do, I can do faster, and with higher quality results. I am the alpha and the omega. I am the Supreme Being of reality. Why? Because I have my own reality. I can do anything, anywhere, at any time.  I am your king. If you were worthy of being in my presence, you would bow down to me in awe of my fabulous self. Even Mr. Woody would accept that I am better than Buddha. I might even create my own religion: Smoeism. Everything on this blog would be law (heck, it already is) and nobody could complain (the comments would be blocked). BEST RELIGION EVER!!

I would like to send a shout out to the German guy that I mentioned in my last post. I am sorry if the post offended you. I think you are great. Thanks for reading!

German Guy

 

 If you have not read the previous posts, I would advise reading them. Start at The Beginning
The other day, some guy in Germany viewed my blog. How awesome is that!? Some German guy liked the name of my blog so much that he was willing to look at it. I mean let’s face it, this is not the most interesting blog in the world, but I am still getting people that I don’t know to look at it. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re critical little mind is saying, “But Joe, that was just lucky. He clicked on the site accidentally. No foreign person would ever want to look at your blog.” You wait. By next week I will have so many foreign viewers, Blogspot will crash. Then Google will start flipping out and try to repair the damage. But there will be so many errors that they will not be able to bring Blogspot back. Then, my dear viewers, you will be blogless. 

Your world is not real

This masterpiece of a creation will no longer exist on your computers. There will pandemonium; a global outrage. There will be riots in the street. The police will not be able to contain the madness and all authorities will quickly lose their power as people stop listening to them. Non- readers will be rounded up and will have to choose between exile and death. The death sentence will be carried out in the most random way possible while those exiled will be banned to the land of limbo. There, they will slowly lose their mind until they forget that their new world is not real.

Or is it? Who are you to say that your reality is true? Are you not reading a blog called “My” Random Reality. Look at the URL. Who are you to say that you are not living in my made-up reality? Whoa! Inception moment!

Anyway, back to the blogless world scenario. Those who were loyal to the blog will work constantly on a cure to their dire situation. The smartest and most influential people alive like Stephen Hawking, Warren Buffett, and Paul Allen will pool their resources to solve the world’s most pressing problem. But unfortunately for you, my unlucky reader, they will never do it. You will live in a world you never saw coming and that is hard to believe is real…

I have had complaints that this post is pointless and that is doesn’t go anywhere. THAT IS THE POINT. It is random and without point. Enjoy. Or criticize. Whatever.

I am now accepting comments suggesting additions to the blog.

Armageddon

These are my thoughts about Armageddon as foreshadowed in The Beginning. If you have not read The Beginning, please see below.


BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! Another one bites the dust.

In the year 2012 THE WORLD WILL END!!! But how..? I think that it will be the woodchucks. They are tired of being questioned. On December 21 we will discover just how much wood a woodchuck can chuck. DUN DUN DUN DUH! Either that or it will be mother nature. She doesn't like her trees being cut down, or our carbon emissions, or our giant monstrosities that we call buildings. Let me tell you, there will be no singing in the rain when she strikes. Death will pour down in the form of cats and dogs. Governments will fall, war will erupt and we will lose what is most sacred to our race, cable TV. We won't even have Internet. No more tweets, pointless posts, Gangnam Style, or Peanut Butter Jelly Time. We will actually have to GO OUTSIDE! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
There are only three months left, so be as lazy as you can. Watch Youtube! Tweet constantly! Post that embarrassing picture on Facebook! Your days are numbered...........

Come to the dark side. I am trying to see how many followers I can get, so please follow this blog. Just go to the right side of the screen and go to Followers Also, if The Beginning (see below) is not very interesting to you, just wait. My next post will be epic.

The Beginning...

Undoubtedly, the most awesome day in history was a particularily splendid day in the middle of March 1998. With that being said, it is safe to assume that the second most awesome day was September 22, 2012. This was by no means a very distinct day. There were no major revelations, announcements, or battles, but on that pleasent Saturday, this blog was created. It started like most random things do: in a restaurant. I had eaten most of my food, but the oversized plate began throwing punches and I required a to-go box. I scooped the remainder of my attacker into the styrofoam box and sat there patiently waiting for my family to finish eating. I looked around. Besides the occasional plate laden waitress, there was nothing exciting going on. My mind began to wander. I thought about unicorns, exploding hippos, and purple flying Joonhahas (You will find that my thoughts are very random and somewhat disturbing). Eventually, my mind strayed into the dangerous and unpredictable territory of armaggeddon. I started to image what was going to happen on that foretold-of day in December. My thoughts were incredible. I knew that these completely random theories of destruction that I was having had never been imagined before. I had to record this! I grabbed a pen and began to scribble on the only suitable writing surface in the area: my to-go box. My humorous mind twisted reality and fact until I had created a masterpiece of randomness. I knew that this had to be shared with others, so I created this blog. From now on. I will post every random thing that I think about in the strange reality that my brain creates. You might find it creepy. You might find it really weird and annoying. You may even enjoy it. Check back every few days for new posts.