Our hero returns...

At long last .... the moment you've been waiting for.

 

                                                       I'm back!!!

Warning: This post contains both an utterly hilarious section and a very mathematical and disturbing section that will intrigue some, bore others, and probably inspire the military to start a full-fledged man-hunt for me. I hope you didn't get your hopes up.

  

Humans. In the past few thousand years, we have grown to be intelligent and created dozens of governmental systems and communities. But are we really the dominant species, or have other animals been holding back, waiting to strike? I’ve seen the signs, and let me tell you, it’s not bears or sharks or dinosaurs back from the dead. It’s something much more sinister….. The geese! They seem calm and peaceful, but have you seen the way they eye your children?!!! The way they stare into your soul with their beady black eyes? They are evil, I tell you. There is a coming apocalypse and no one knows about it! The kind gentlemen from the government said we’d go to a pleasant little house over in Arkham, but I said “No! I have to warn them.” You people have no idea what the geese can do. The attacks have already started. Accounts of the winged devils abusing pedestrians in parking lots and outside of homes litter the internet. It’s only so long until they start dive-bombing our heads with a whopping 1-2 pounds of excrement per day(they already do it to our cars!). 

I found this on the internet. I AM NOT CRAZY!

      And my sources tell me that the Branta canadensis maxima (If you click on the link, you will see that we already have to take precautions to prevent them from gaining control, but IT’S NOT HELPING!) has teamed up with everybody’s favorite fluffy, but evil, pet: the bunny. That’s right. I predict that in an upcoming attack, the geese will prevent you from leaving your house, while the bunnies gnaw on you limbs!! Little Mr. Fluffly isn’t so cute anymore is he?

 Let me share with you my plan for destroying society (This is the non-funny part). In other posts, I have briefly described collapses in social decency when natural disasters happen, but these things are rare. To really affect our society, I need a solid, workable plan. I wonder if CERN would let me borrow their particle collider for a little while. The scientists over in Switzerland have not been using the collider to its greatest potential. I think I can fix that. Now, I am sure there are some of you who are getting a little worried, but don’t worry, I will use the collider strictly for the sake of science. So far, the Hadron has only been used to run particles into each other, but what if they ran into something else, say …… a person. 

You see that big circle? That is the collider. You don't stand a chance.

 In 1978, a Russian scientist stuck his head in a collider and was hit by a speeding particle (Who says the Russians are smarter than us?). He messed up his face and now he gets fatigued when he thinks. This “accident” (conspiracy!) occurred when the proton was only moving at 70 GeV. The Hadron Collider spins particles at a whopping 7 TeV (For you non math-loving people, that’s 100 X the force). It is predicted that this could tear a whole in your body, completely cauterizing your veins. However, this prediction is unconfirmed. This must be remedied! What would happen if we weaponized the collider? It’d be easy. Here’s the plan: step 1) An email is sent to the Swiss scientists telling them that Schrödinger’s cat has been found wandering the hallways. This ensures that no one will be watching the collider; 2) A few hundred helicopters that I “borrow” from the military grab onto the collider and carry it away from CERN and over the Swiss countryside; 3) Under my excellent command, the collider flies over cities and spits out particles at pedestrians (and geese. Who’s dive-bombing now?). The world would live in fear. I could never be stopped because anybody sent to stop me would find themselves with a large hole in their chest. Armored vehicles would be no use as the particles would move through them as easily as they move through flesh. With this technology, I could rule the world. No one could oppose me. Mr. Woody would never make fun of me again!

The End is near

There's a new post coming. I can feel it. You have waited so long huddled in your normal life. Sheltered from the reality shifting notions presented in this blog. Maybe you were happy, but you knew you were waiting for something. Its not something you talked about, thought about, or even realized it existed, but the urge was there. Something was missing. And you were waiting. Well, let me tell you, the wait is over. Sometime today, I will post. Until then, please amuse yourself reading previous postings.

Welcome!

I saw that Mr. Woody recently wrote a post praising my blog and telling you all to come visit it. Well, here you are. Impressed yet? Probably not. That is because in reality there is really nothing special about this blog. It may look well managed and very sophisticated with its decorative flames and its many widgets on the sides, but in reality it is not widely read and it has only been recommended by one person. You are only looking at this because there was a hyperlink directing you here. You are sheep. Your shepherd told you to go and you went.  You gave it no thought. I could be giving you a virus right now and you would have no idea. You jumped into the pool without testing the water. Now the sharks will eat you alive. 

Duh nuh..... Duh nuh.....Duh nuh duh nuh

I’m just kidding, but that does bring up a very good point about society. You do what you’re told without thinking about what you’re doing. How many of you have ever eaten what somebody gave you? Have you ever followed somebody’s directions to get to a building? I know you have all believed most everything your teachers tell you. That’s because you trust them. Haven’t you ever watched a movie? The main theme is very repetitive: Trust no one. If you trust someone, they can drag you along a path of lies and throw you off the cliff of commitment into the pit of regret. Sound’s a lot like marriage doesn’t it?

Did you like that last metaphor? I did. I am starting to use metaphors more and more often. Metaphors allow you to compare anything you want with quite literally anything else. Then, people who read it can come up with their own ideas of what the metaphor means and you don’t have to. If they don’t know what it means, then you can just say that it is “too deep for them to comprehend”. With this method, you can say any variety of nonsense and get away with it.

To summarize, I’m not asking you to trust me. This blog is a lamp, and I am only asking you to enjoy it. In my opinion (remember, my opinion is a Palestinian chair choking in the nitrous wind) it is not nearly as great Mr. Woody said it was, but I will admit that it is pretty awesome. Feel free to leave any comments you want and I will respond to them within 3-5 business days. If you feel that it is morally wrong to comment on a page belonging to someone that you do not know, then you may comment on Mr. Woody’s page and he will relay message to me. We have our own little blog community, you see. Before you ask, you may not be a member, and we will share no details about it with an outsider.

Especially me.

As a closing thought, I would like to tell you that, like Seinfeld, this blog is about nothing, so please do not begin reading it with high expectations because your hopes and dreams will be crushed by the weight of boring ideas and non-standard writing techniques.

See "The Pilot"