And..here...we...go!
Whose idea was it to keep cats as house pets? I don’t see why any sane person would want to try to house train a cat. All cats used to be wild and ferocious. They had sharp claws and vicious teeth. What insane kind of person would think “Hey, I’m going to let one of these things into my house. I am going to hand feed it and take care of it. I might even pet it.” BAD IDEA. Are you nuts!? Is your Neanderthalic brain to small and stupid to see that this is wrong? People in the old days had no common sense. I mean think about it. Here’s this guy. He walks into town with dozens of scratches all over his body and tells people about his great idea for a new pet. What are the people thinking at this point? “That’s genius! I want to get myself one of those! It doesn’t matter that I might die in the process, I NEED A CAT!” It is a miracle that our ancestors survived and we are still alive today. It would seem that even though our stupid-genes are trying to kill us, we continue to survive. TAKE THAT, GENES! Now don't get all mad, cat people. I understand you think your "innocent" little felines are so cute and cuddly, but let's look at this situation from a managerial standpoint. The pros of cats are: there are none (Geez, cat people. No need to get all hissy [haha!]. You know it's true). The cons of cats are: they sleep 18 hours per day, they make you spend all of your money on cat food, they make you spend all of your money on cat litter, they tear up your expensive furniture that you spent a lot of money on, and they throw their guts up all over your floor EVERY SINGLE DAY! Then you have to pay to get your carpets cleaned. Can't you see? The cats are trying to rob you! They may seem unbelievably cute, but don't be fooled, they are actually the IRS in disguise [haha!]. Haven't you ever seen the movie Cats and Dogs? It is not just a movie, it's live footage! So, the next time you suddenly feel the urge to buy a money-stealing, lazy, barfing monster: buy a cat. Otherwise, save yourself the trouble and buy a goldfish.
I would like all of you to know that Mr. Woody is indeed a real person. He has been forced into distant lands to spend eight hours a day in prison. Policies are strict there, and he has no room for mistakes. However, Mr. Woody has risked writing in the comments box to show his unbroken friendship with myself and the others that he used to laugh with here in his homeland. Mr. Woody commented on my blog and therefore sacrificed his social status to show that he was still surviving in his depressing location. Do not insult his bravery by using his name in your comments. If you do this, you will be the subject of my next post, and let me tell you, you do not want that. We wish you luck, Mr. Woody, but we know that it will not be long until the prison has turned you into a football loving robot with a head covered in a plastic dairy product.
From now on, if you can survive enough of my blog to get to the bottom of the page, I will be posting a "Quote of the day". If you post in the comments the name of the movie that the quote comes from, the actor that said it, and describe the scene that it is spoken in, I will compliment you in the next post.
"You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!"
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